<picks up pitchfork again>

Listen here, Captain Cock-tease, you’re about to be bombarded by the Blue Balls brigade.

Tisk tisk.

<dials the FTC>

“Federal Trade Commission, this is Eunice, how may I help you?”

“Yes, um . . . hi Eunice. This is Eric. I’d like to report an incident of False advertising.”

“I see sir, and what is the name of the business you’re calling about?”

“Well, Eunice it’s not exactly a business. It’s a writer.”

“A writer?”

“Yes ma’am.”

“Sir, our office only handles complaints that violate the Truth in Advertising law . . . for products that are deceptively advertised in regards to Price, Quality, or Purpose.”

“Well . . . we were promised speedo-clad gay menziz and all the author provided was hetero-porn and fucking manatees. Manatees, I tell you!”

“Sir, I can tell you’re upset.”

“Upset ?! This is the second time this week! At this rate the entire gay nation will soon be paralyzed with blue balls.”

“Please, stay calm sir. May I place you on hold for just a second?”

<Muzak: Theme from A Summer Place>

“Yes, hello?”

“I’m here.”

“Sir, I just checked with my supervisor, Mrs. Del Rio. This sounds like a matter for the Gay National Guard. We have some shock-troops standing by and just need to collect a little more information concerning the whereabouts of the perpetrator. Can you describe the author?”

“Well, she’s a real Uppity Faggot™ . . . goes by the name of Aunty Finn . . . “

“You don’t mean that infamous rabble-rouser from Quora?”

“One in the same.”

“Not a problem sir. Our folks are all over this. We’ll send in a team right away — looks like Mrs. Finn needs a little time at gay re-education camp.”

“Thanks. Bye-eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!”


Let this be a lesson to you, James Finn:

And to think . . . I didn’t have much to write about this morning.

Thanks, Jim.


Great story.



Juxtaposeur, technical analyst, process engineer, poet wordsmith, INTJ, Anansi, MBTI certified practitioner & team-builder, certifiable fabulist & Uppity Queer™

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