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The Rules, Vol II: Grass
I don’t make the rules. But if I did . . .
3 min readJun 21, 2019
- The planting of trees, thus increasing the portion of Our Lands graced by glades and forests, shall be encouraged. For each mature tree felled, a dozen saplings shall be planted in its place. Open expanses of chemically dependent, grass monoculture, on the other hand, are heavily discouraged. To this end:
- The use of petroleum-powered lawn mowers, string-trimmers, etc. shall be permitted only during the first two (2) weeks of February in the northern hemisphere and the first two (2) weeks of August in the southern hemisphere.
- The breeding and propagation of llamas, vicunas, alpacas, sheep, and goats (all breeds), as well as the ownership of the above shall be decreed a “Most Respectable Pastime.” The Keeper of the Privy and Most Posh Purse shall make available funds for the training of large animal veterinarians, spinners and weavers of wool, farriers, and the education of other such ungulate-supportive trades.
- Scissors and mechanical push mowers are permitted year-round as an acceptable substitute for Subjects who insist on maintaining “lawns” and who also suffer from animal allergies.
- The sport of golf may continue, subject to the rules above, provided the previously exclusive and wasteful lands and facilities used for the…
